Funnies to Get the Week Rolling ***

How are you feeling?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 93 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



This one comes from Merle's Third Try. She puts some really funny ones up. I think she has a whole crew at work. Ya ought to check her out sometime. Now here's the latest:


A Woman's Week at the Gym

Dear Diary.


For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local

health club. Although, I'm in great shape since being a high school cheer

leader 43 years ago, I decided to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club

and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified

himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and

swimwear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.



MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth

it when i arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is

something like a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling

white smile. Woo Hoo.



Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching

the skillful way in which he conducted the aerobic class after my workout

today. Very inspiring.



Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already

aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week.



TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo

made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put

weights on it. My legs were a bit wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the

full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT. It's a

whole new life for me.



WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer

or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was

impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.



His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he

scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair

monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an

activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help

me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.



THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his

thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an

hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out

with dumbells. When he wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the rest-room.

He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then as a punishment, he put me

on the rowing machine -- which I sank.



FRIDAY:

I hate that bast**d Christo more than any human has ever hated any other

human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic

little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you

don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything

that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on

a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,

like the drama teacher or the choir director?



SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating shrilly voice

wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want

to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to

even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel . . .



SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today So I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband

will choose a gift for me that is fun - - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I will say if God had wanted me to bend over, He would have sprinkled the

floor with diamonds.!!!