Monday, August 16, 2010

Funnies to Get the Week Rolling ***

How are you feeling?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 93 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

This one comes from Merle's Third Try. She puts some really funny ones up. I think she has a whole crew at work. Ya ought to check her out sometime. Now here's the latest:

A Woman's Week at the Gym

Dear Diary.

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local

health club. Although, I'm in great shape since being a high school cheer

leader 43 years ago, I decided to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club

and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified

himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and

swimwear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth

it when i arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is

something like a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling

white smile. Woo Hoo.

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching

the skillful way in which he conducted the aerobic class after my workout

today. Very inspiring.

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already

aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week.


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo

made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put

weights on it. My legs were a bit wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the

full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT. It's a

whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer

or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was

impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he

scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair

monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an

activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help

me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.


Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his

thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an

hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out

with dumbells. When he wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the rest-room.

He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then as a punishment, he put me

on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


I hate that bast**d Christo more than any human has ever hated any other

human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic

little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you

don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything

that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on

a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,

like the drama teacher or the choir director?


Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating shrilly voice

wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want

to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to

even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel . . .


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today So I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband

will choose a gift for me that is fun - - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I will say if God had wanted me to bend over, He would have sprinkled the

floor with diamonds.!!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Carlin's Quote Today ***

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin

Maxine Says ***

Bran Flakes - Heaven Forbid ***

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the Pearly gates, St.Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid
could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why nothing." Peter replied, "remember this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is Heaven," St.Peter replied, "You can play for free every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages.  "Don't even ask," said St.Peter to the man. "This is Heaven and it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St.Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick."

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"  "Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure . . . . "  "Never again, All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, " You and your Bran Flakes...we could have been here ten years ago."

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Have You Ever Heard Anything More Ridiculous? ***

Many Western states, including Utah, Washington and Colorado, have long outlawed individuals from collecting rainwater on their own properties. Laws have been on the books for quite some time in many Western states. Only recently, as droughts and renewed interest in water conservation methods have become more common, have individuals and business owners started butting heads with law enforcement over the practice of collecting rainwater for personal use

This is one powerful message!

Thinkin' Cap is On Again ***

I'm wondering: is it going to rain or not?  Must be since its after 9 a m and most dark outside. Thought I saw the sun trying to come around 'very earlier'. I was mistaken. Work's awaitin'.  Peppers to pick.