Thursday, April 30, 2009

Some Funnies that Tickled My Bones ***


Stay! !
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?' 'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park"?


Humorous Sayings
Ah, being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

And it's even worse when you forget to pull it down.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young.

Not Alabama!
How fast rumors spread...All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure ain't doin' it to Alabama!!


and the best for last!

AN OLD FARMER

AN OLD FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. THE

TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER

SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." "I'M SORRY

SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER" THE

OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS

OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED

THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND

MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD

FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH

THE MOVIE. "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE

GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED. "WELL,

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" "I

THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Let America Be America Again ***

Today in one of my newsletters I read a few stanzas/a partial version of this poem by Langston Hughes but decided to post the full poem. Many of you may not know who Mr. Langston Hughes was. I know his name well as we used to have Langston High School in the town I grew up in. This was in the days before integration. The school was then made into a vocational training school and eventually torn down. You can find much information about him at Wikipedia.com. I can imagine him wearing a halo now for he certainly did his part trying to enlighten this world. We still have a long way to go though.

To fully grasp the message in poetry, I usually have to read it several times, more so than with books but that's just me for I never took to poetry and couldn't rhyme a 4 line stanza if I was threatened with a failing grade. So this poem is a real piece of work for me, being so long. But I felt if he put his effort into writing such a long one, we could put the effort to reading his work. His message rings full truth for me. I hope you too reap benefit from it.

Let America Be America Again
By Langston Hughes

Let America be America again.
Let it be the dream it used to be.
Let it be the pioneer on the plain
Seeking a home where he himself is free.

(America never was America to me.)

Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed
Let it be that great strong land of love
Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme
That any man be crushed by one above.

(It never was America to me.)

O, let my land be a land where Liberty
Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,
But opportunity is real, and life is free,
Equality is in the air we breathe.

(There's never been equality for me,
Nor freedom in this "homeland of the free.)

Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark?
And who are you that draws your veil across the stars?

I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart,
I am the Negro bearing slavery's scars.
I am the red man driven from the land,
I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek--
And finding only the same old stupid plan
Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.

I am the young man, full of strength and hope,
Tangled in that ancient endless chain
Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!
Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need!
Of work the men! Of take the pay!
Of owning everything for one's own greed!

I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.
I am the worker sold to the machine.
I am the Negro, servant to you all.
I am the people, humble, hungry, mean--
Hungry yet today despite the dream.
Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers!
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest worker bartered through the years.

Yet I'm the one who dreamt our basic dream
In the Old World while still a serf of kings,
Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,
That even yet its mighty daring sings
In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned
That's made America the land it has become.
O, I'm the man who sailed those early seas
In search of what I meant to be my home--
For I'm the one who left dark Ireland's shore,
And Poland's plain, and England's grassy lea,
And torn from Black Africa's strand I came
To build a "homeland" of the free.

The free?

Who said the free? Not me?
Surely not me? The millions on relief today?
The millions shot down when we strike?
The millions who have nothing for our pay?
For all the dreams we've dreamed
And all the songs we've sung
And all the hopes we've held
And all the flags we've hung,
The millions who have nothing for our pay--
Except the dream that's almost dead today.

O, let America be America again--
The land that never has been yet--
And yet must be--the land where every man is free.
The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME--
Who made America,
Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,
Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,
Must bring back our mighty dream again.

Sure, call me any ugly name you choose--
The steel of freedom does not stain.
From those who live like leeches on the people's lives,
We must take back our land again,
America!

O, yes,
I say it plain,
America never was America to me,
And yet I swear this oath
America will be!

Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,
The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,
We, the people, must redeem
The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.
The mountains and the endless plain--
All, all the stretch of these great green states--
And make America again!


From The Collected Poems of Langston Hughes, published by Alfred A. Knopf, Inc. Copyright © 1994 the Estate of Langston Hughes.


9 Months Later... ***

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained and"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in the house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney representing that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow on the farm we stayed at during our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do" replied Bob.

"Did you, 'er,' happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, 'um,' yes !" Bob answered, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said "Yeah, look, I'm sorry buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

***And you thought you knew the ending didn't you? ... and you smiled big!

***Can you keep that big smile 'working' for the rest of the day?

Friday, April 17, 2009

CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS ***

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Healing Laughter - Speeding Juggler ***

Mikey was pulled over by the Georgia State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to Mikey's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy."

Mikey handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" Mikey replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

Mikey pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life!

He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy Jerry Lee. When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Dog Fight ***

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly."How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Seeing Eye Dog ***

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Federal Reserve Bank - Root of All Evil ***

Lots of media talk about bonuses. Lots of media talk about bad banks. But no talk about the institution that not only encouraged the bubble to form but fueled the fire. The Federal Reserve Bank. What is the Fed? For starters, it's neither "federal"nor a "reserve" nor a "bank. "What is it then? The answer may surprise you: http://www.brasschecktv.com/page/585.html

For the majority, I'm sure it will surprise you.