Judy Jam can't sleep so she goes to her psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband, Jerry.
"What about him" asks the psychiatrist, with seeming interest?
"He thinks he is a refrigerator, and so do I."
"That's not so bad," says the shrink, "it is a rather harmless complex."
"Well, maybe not for him," replies Judy, "but he sleeps with his mouth open...and the light keeps me awake."
Watch what you read!
A man with a woeful expression on his face was talking to his best friend.
"I'm really worried," he said.
"Well, my wife read The Tale of Two Cities and we had twins.
Later she read The Three Musketeers and we had triplets.
Now she is reading Birth of a Nation!"
Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat, following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions. Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to it, Parick blurted out, "Make the whole ocean into Guiness Beer."
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going, Patrick. Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried again - same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again he fell on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright.., but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN."
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out, he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."