A Time to Laugh ***

Note: I swiped this (w/best of intentions) from Derek and Dot's blogsite Narrowboat Gypsy Rover.

Diary of a Snow Shoveller...

“December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newly-weds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the footpath. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the footpath and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and footpath. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realise I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Landrover. Bought chains for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Iceland, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the council will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the a**hole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - Six inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplough, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the SOB who drives that snow plough I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a hundred miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25 - Merry *&%*#@ Christmas! Twenty more inches of the damn stuff tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a bloody idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 700 pounds to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B**** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver and he is now suing me for a million pounds---not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a**. The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?”